Funny Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it—"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?

Jerry Seinfeld



Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Jerry Seinfeld



Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld



My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Jerry Seinfeld



Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld



People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Jerry Seinfeld



Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

Jerry Seinfeld



That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.


Jerry Seinfeld



The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Jerry Seinfeld



The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld



Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Jerry Seinfeld



There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld



To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Jerry Seinfeld



Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld



You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Jerry Seinfeld



The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Jerry Seinfeld



There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."


Jerry Seinfeld



According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Jerry Seinfeld



The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

Jerry Seinfeld



You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."


Jerry Seinfeld



There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."

Jerry Seinfeld



It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld



A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld



A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld



I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld



I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Jerry Seinfeld



You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Jerry Seinfeld



I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything—which as you know, always leads to something—cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld



Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Jerry Seinfeld



Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Jerry Seinfeld