Best Out-of-Office Messages - Funny Out Of Office Quotes

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to an email queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 17 weeks and 3 days.



Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.



I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.



Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.



Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Please don't bother to leave me any messages.



Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged 5.99 for the first ten words and 1.99 for each additional word in your message.



I’ve run away to join a different circus.



I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons… When I return, please refer to me as “Margaret” instead of “Steve”.



I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.



I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.



You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.



Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management



I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 8/29. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.



The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

Funny Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it—"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?

Jerry Seinfeld



Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Jerry Seinfeld



Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld



My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Jerry Seinfeld



Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld



People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Jerry Seinfeld



Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

Jerry Seinfeld



That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.


Jerry Seinfeld



The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Jerry Seinfeld



The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld



Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Jerry Seinfeld



There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld



To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Jerry Seinfeld



Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld



You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Jerry Seinfeld



The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Jerry Seinfeld



There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."


Jerry Seinfeld



According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Jerry Seinfeld



The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

Jerry Seinfeld



You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."


Jerry Seinfeld



There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."

Jerry Seinfeld



It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld



A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld



A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld



I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld



I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Jerry Seinfeld



You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Jerry Seinfeld



I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything—which as you know, always leads to something—cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld



Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Jerry Seinfeld



Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Jerry Seinfeld

Blackadder Quotes

"You look as happy as a man who thought a cat had done its business on his pie but then it turned out to be a really big blackberry."
Blackadder III

Woody Allen Quotes

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Woody Allen

Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
Woody Allen

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

I thought your line was great about, uh, "life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." I mean, it's completely true.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best.
Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?
Woody Allen

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic...
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
Woody Allen

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

I am two with nature.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody Allen



I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen


If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever .
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen


If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
Woody Allen


When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen






Woody Allen Collage Art Print

Little Britain Quotes

Aberdoon Stook House Chef: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not.
Little Britain

Emily Howard [transvestite character]: I'm a lady.
Little Britain

Vicky Pollard: Yeah, but no, but yeah, but ...Little Britain

Kenny Craig [hypnotist]: Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes. [click] You're under!
Little Britain

Social worker: All I want to know Vicky is where is your baby?Vicky Pollard: Oh, I swapped it for a Westlife CD.Social worker: Oh my God, how could you.Vicky Pollard: I know, they're rubbish.
Little Britain

Daffyd Thomas: I'm the only gay in the village.
Little Britain

Daffyd Thomas [to new gay in village]: No, you are not a gay. I am the gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy!
Little Britain

Andy Pipkin [wheelchair character]: I want that one.
Little Britain


Little Britain is a superb comedy sketch show created by Matt Lucas and David Williams.